Not funny, ever. The punishment for saying potato to an Irish person is death by stoning, with potatoes.
2. Oh you’re Irish…do you know [insert standard Irish name here]?
A bit like asking someone English if they know a Smith, or a Welsh person if they know a Jones.
3. Isn’t Ireland part of the UK?
To which the correct response is: ‘There are these amazing things called maps, I suggest you look at one.’
4. What do you mean you have your own language?
Yep, Irish is our first official language, and even though most of us hated learning in school, we’re pretty passionate about it.
5. Top of the morning to you
The equivalent of going up to a stranger in London and saying ‘Shine yer shoes Gov’nor?’
6. To be sure to be sure
Guaranteed to elicit a filthy look.
7. Say thirty-three and a third
Because you have chosen to poke fun at our unbelievably sexy accents (with the exception of Co. Monaghan) we reserve the right to refuse to do tricks like a circus monkey for you.
8. You must come from a big family
Ok here’s the deal, contraception was illegal in Ireland until 1980 (no, not 1880, 1980) and for decades, it was pretty rare for women to work after they got married so they had babies instead. Also, the Catholic Church kept banging on about how marriage was for procreation, so like good Catholics, we procreated. But it’s 2016 now, and according to the 2011 census, the average number of kids per family was 1.4. Long live condoms!
9. You must love St Patrick’s Day!
We think it’s naff too, but who in their right mind would say no to a bank holiday?
10. Are you in the IRA?
No, but I am now considering buying a balaclava and jumping out from being a bush to scare the crap out of you.
11. You guys really like a drink don’t you
This ol’ chestnut. Yes, we invented Guinness and we make whiskey but we actually drink LESS than a lot of our Europeans neighbours including Lithuania, Belarus and Andorra. In the world rankings of heavy drinkers, we don’t even make the top ten. So there. Hic.